My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just want to make out with him forever
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
