Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
