my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize