my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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