the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
