After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
