the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
