we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
