You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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