Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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