He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize