I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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