somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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