i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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