Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
