i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
