who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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