I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
