I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Green mimosas i think yes
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
