I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
