there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
