Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
