On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
