Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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