Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I deserve this hangover.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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