I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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