I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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