My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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