Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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