You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
