are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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