i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
