You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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