Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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