i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
