please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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