While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
