We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
