uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I AM VODKA MAN
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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