So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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