i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
