Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
