In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Are my feet made of real feet?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
