it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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