I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
