My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize