happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
