The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Randomize
