I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
