Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
