I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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