I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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