Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
last night I used snow as a chaser
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
