Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
