He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
