The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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