Jerry, you need to find god
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize