I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
