She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
