I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
