Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
