There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
