I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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