It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
