I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
